I've come to realise that it becomes increasingly difficult, as time passes, to unlove anyone. I mean, that's just it. No matter how you try you cannot unlove anyone or anything. How absolutely deliberate of God, seriously. Like a hundred year sentence isn't long enough.
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
I was looking at last year's People-I've-got-to-kill-before-I-die list this morning, and couldn't help but think - really, I mean they weren't all THAT bad. The thing is, at some point, I think you just give yourself time to heal and the things that hurt so bad once don't hurt quite as much now. So, there. I sat striking all their names one by one: forgiving Miss.M for making me kneel in the hallway after prep, forgiving the Buffoon for being my worst nightmare throughout school, forgiving the Jackass for still being who he is, forgiving that girl-next-door who lied to me. Forgiving. Forgiving. Forgiving. That's all I did all morning, until 1 pm. Because at the stroke of 1, I reached the one name that I could not get myself to cross - NK. Could I really forgive him?
We clearly don't feel a thing for each other - or so we have believed for the past years. Yet, why would two people so insanely different, who get to see each other just once every year, who fight so often, who are headstrong and stubborn, and who have their futures all 'sorted out' still accommodate the other person in their lives? I don't know the answer, and I'd leave it upto you to figure it out.
And forgiveness. Wouldn't forgiveness erase all the bitterness in a second? Then why was it so hard to strike his name out from the list?
possible reasons could be:
1) that he cheated me.
2) that he was so close to me, and he still lied. About her, about his feelings for her, and about what he felt for me. So, back to point no.1.
3) the worst part is that he still means alot to me. As a friend, and as a confidante. And back again to point no. 1.
How extraordinary we were - two people who cannot sort their differences out then and there, and who keep a thing going on for years together, brimming with unfinished sentences, unfinished arguments, and worst of all unfinished conversations. It's like - there's always something but there's nothing. And then to make it worse, going around attaching meanings to alot of nothing; like ignoring phone calls, never replying to emails, and being perennially busy. How silly of me. Of course, I should've known.
But, probably this is why there are times when you can love a person so much and hate them with equal measure. Or you can hate a person simply because you like them so much. Maybe this is why we could never unlove people entirely too. Maybe this is also why it is so hard to forgive them. They mess up your life in ways that you could never repair it, yet they fill spaces that were empty with their presence. I thought about it for a long while, and realised that I couldn't score out his name as yet. I am not ready enough. Not now. If unconditional love is the only way forgiveness is possible, and hatred the price I will pay for it, I don't think I'm ready for the bargain.
This post is something I never thought I'd write. But as Pitseleh says, a therapist costs money, a blog doesn't.